Beating the Town Drunk

It’s been said that no good tale started with “So I was having a salad.”  Alcohol often figures prominently in any hilarious story and so this one is in my back pocket when people are sharing their best ‘I was so drunk’ episodes. 

This evening was ages ago and, well, let’s just say I was a different person, in more ways than one!  But to be honest, I think this story holds up far better than “he” would have imagined. 

I realize it’s almost a cliché, what with movies like “The Hangover,” but my story really does involve my best friend’s bachelor party.  The fact that I was also his “best man,” is important.  And finally, the fact that we were in a little, forgettable town called Denton, Texas just adds to the charm.

My friend, wanting something low-key, decided the “party” would just be your basic pub crawl, going from one dive to the next.  But before going back to his house to smoke cigars, we ended up in one last place.  Almost as a soon as we sat down, up walks a woman who, had she said her name was Brünnhilde, you'd have believed it; huge woman, just towered over us. She was clearly inebriated, and I shudder to think how much it had taken to get her there. 

She fairly roared at us, "What the fuck r' ya'll doin' here?!" One of the guys in our party blabs, "It's Jason's bachelor party!" She immediately starts laughing, "Get the fuck outta here! Well then stand up.  Yer having a drink with me!"

A back and forth ensues where he says ‘no, can't do it, rehearsal tomorrow, can't get fucked up, yadda, yadda. yadda.’ 

She’s not hearing it.  Then a couple of the other guys say they'll take the drink but, like a bulldog, she won’t let go of my friend.  She knows these guys.  She insults their manhood and says only he will do.

That’s when I finally stand up and say, "Fuck it - I'm his best man. I'll take the hit!" She decides that’s good enough and orders two pints.  The beers arrive and now, somehow 'having a drink' has become a ‘drinking race.’  She barks out, "Someone give us a 3 count!"

On three, I go all in.  Magically, the back of my throat opens up and down it goes. I finish within seconds and slam my glass down so hard I’m actually surprised it doesn’t break!

I watch as she finishes hers, eyeballing me over the rim of her glass.  Being a true lady, she shakes my hand and announces to everyone the obvious, “He got me!” She gives Jason a final congrats.  But, before walking away, she leans in really close and says "That was pretty good….But no man has EVER beaten me...." 

And with that, I turn to everyone and say, "Time to go!" 

It's not until we’re outside and these guys start HOWLING!  I’m laughing, agreeing that was a pretty good time.  But then they stop and look at me to say, "You don’t understand! You beat the town drunk.  In A DRINKING CONTEST!!!" 

My friend slaps me on the back and says, “Yeah, you won the battle. But I think she’s still going to win the war.” 

The next morning, after getting up too early so that we could get to the rehearsal, I had to agree, “Yeah…she won.” 

I’d love to find her someday. It would be my privilege and honor to tell her, “You know. You were right. No man HAS ever beaten you.”

Thumbnail Creative Commons Photo Credit: Bonnie Craven Francis